journeys of an angst-ridden optimist ; )

moving on...

2006-08-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

yep....the OCD in me fell in love with the ability to categorize posts over at wordpress.

all new posts will be there.
Join me! :)

processing

2006-07-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I miss you

Sometimes, thoughts of what I let you do to me

and what I did to you

Shake my body with the anger they bring

At times, I’d like to scream at you, tears flying from my eyes,

And make sure you understand

Just how many ugly scars our encounters left me

But I never wish we had never crossed paths

And of course I wish the best for you

Hope you give and receive love

Though mostly,

I just miss you

::sigh::

2006-06-30T00:33:00.000-07:00

These are SO DELICIOUS!!

If I EVER need a motivation to get in shape, I just glance at this.

I LOVE the clothes at anthropologie. They use amazing fabrics, have lovely cuts, innovative styling, and incredible ensembles. I just wish the prices were more affordable. At least looking at their beautiful pieces feeds my soul :)

new flickr pics!!

2006-06-30T00:30:00.000-07:00

check them out at www.flickr.com/photos/twofirstborns

happiness...

2006-06-30T00:19:00.000-07:00

is having my eyebrows done by the most amazing eyebrow artist I've ever met. It never fails. I go in, just asking for a quick re-shaping, and EVERY time she hands me that mirror to see what she's done in those magical 3-5 minutes, the amazing work I see reflected *literally* takes my breath away.

Happiness is *not* having one's underarms waxed. Rather, having one's underarms waxed is TORMENT--one of the more painful experiences I've had--nearly as bad as the bikini portion of a brazilian wax (though, I know it wasn't on the same level since I wasn't shaking in pain).

I miss my best friend :(...and I think that life is absurdly complicated. The many complicated, strange processes I perform daily are mind-boggling--driving, avoiding collisions with other cars, shopping, checking email, navigating my workplace, socially and technically, taking care of all the little "necessities" like the 3 kinds of insurance necessary for my existence, apparently, paying multiple bills every month, fulfilling social obligations, cultivating relationships....

Obviously, I'm in need of some re-centering. God, please help me to remember that bringing glory to You is what you've placed me on this planet and in this community to do. Period. Please show me how best to accomplish this mission every day, all day. I love you.

on victimhood....

2006-06-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

She'd always chosen not be victimized, to resist and fight back, to hold on to hope and dignity and faith in the future. But victimhood was seductive, a release from respoinsibility and caring: Fear would be transmuted into weary resignation; failure would no longer generate guilt but instead would spawn a comforting self pity.

Now she trembled on an emotional high wire, not sure whether she would be able to keep her balance or would allow herself to fail and fall.
From Intensity by Dean Koontz

yummy quote for the day

2006-06-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

"Our life's journey of self-discovery is not a straight-line rise from one
level of consciousness to another. Instead, it is a series of steep climbs
and flat plateaus, then further climbs. Even though we all approach the
journey from different directions, certain of the journey's characteristics
are common to all of us."
- Stuart Wilde

Shared by my lovely friend, Shereen.

29fragiledays: reduction 2 (seoul, south korea)

2006-06-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

29fragiledays: reduction 2 (seoul, south korea)

an absolutely brilliant idea from the author of 29fragiledays.blogspot.com!! :) Enjoy.

thinking about switching...

2006-06-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

to wordpress....

http://mircat.wordpress.com/

Anyone have any thoughts on the differences between wordpress and blogger?

for Monday...

2006-06-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

at the risky of being overly smarmy...

When you arise in the morning, think of that a privilege it is to be alive:
to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
~Marcus Aurelius

Now, this is a great quote...maybe someday I'll be able to *remember* it when I'm trying to haul my overly ample arse out of bed to exercise at 6:30 in the morning. :)

marriage...

2006-06-15T00:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that in July of this year, I will have known my husband for THREE YEARS.

Three years is a LONG time.

And we will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary in just a couple of months. Also mind boggling.

Marriage. . . it's tough. . . and beautiful. . . I can't wait to see what this next year will bring.

of sharpies & opals

2006-06-15T00:36:00.000-07:00

What Color Sharpie Are You? (25 Different Colors) Updated Again!

Mint Sharpie
Element: Air
Sense: Sight
Gemstone Opal
Some Qualities: Inner Beauty, Faith, Peace
Fact: Opal aids inner beauty, faithfulness, and eyesight and helps recall past lives.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

beautiful little poem

2006-06-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

it reminded me of all those tiny "moments" we have with other people...not necessarily romantic or sexual....just those strange bits of intense connection with another soul at the most unexpected moments. I'm not sure what the "cool" or academically in vogue view is on Carl Sandburg's works, but I love his simple, nuanced verses. They're very accessible, but also stand up to in depth exploration.

130. A Dream Girl


YOU will come one day in a waver of love,
Tender as dew, impetuous as rain,
The tan of the sun will be on your skin,
The purr of the breeze in your murmuring speech,
You will pose with a hill-flower grace.	5

You will come, with your slim, expressive arms,
A poise of the head no sculptor has caught
And nuances spoken with shoulder and neck,
Your face in a pass-and-repass of moods
As many as skies in delicate change	10
Of cloud and blue and flimmering sun.

Yet,
You may not come, O girl of a dream,
We may but pass as the world goes by
And take from a look of eyes into eyes,	15
A film of hope and a memoried day.

in other news...

2006-06-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

...I made some major decisions recently. I withdrew from the Correspondonce-style law school that I've been taking part in for the past year. I LOVE the field of law, find it very interesting, but HATE the distance learning format for law school. Plus, I don't plan on actually practicing law, nor can I envision myself doing it. So, I decided that I can learn about law all I want on my own, without paying lots and lots of $$ every year. A tough call....embarrassing, on some levels, to stop something that I've started. But, I know it's the right thing to do. What next? I don't know. All I know now is that God wants me where I am, for some strange reason, and I need MASSIVE amounts of His help to keep me there. A good feeling...though much of the time it feels like peaceful terror. Though I'll take peaceful terror any day over the feeling of stagnation! :)

exciting day

2006-06-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

My sweetie "graduated" with his Master's of Science in Physician Assistant degree. I'm SO proud of him. I say "graduated" rather than graduated b/c he's not actually finished 'til Dec 1 of this year. BUT, they don't have a Dec. graduation, so he walked today.

Lovely ceremony, made me want an MA!!! I'm so ridiculously proud of all the hard work he put into this degree--AND, he got the 2nd highest award granted by the school--the Dean's award. Congratulations, Sweetheart--you're amazing and a daily inspiration--I can't wait to see where we are, together, at this time next year!

pretty patio :)

2006-05-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

I had a ridiculously domestic day today :)....re-did my patio. It was horrifically unsightly, and I figured that since my husband and I look at it every single day when we leave and come back home, it might as well look nice.

So, the frame is now re-painted, there are hanging ferns in seagrass baskets in 3 corners, and there is a morning-glory garland wound 'round the perimeter. It's quite lovely and simple.

I still can't believe how much having one's own place brings out the "nesting instinct" that apparently resides in everyone! :)

MIDTERMS

2006-04-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

2 minutes away from starting law school midterms. YIKES! I'll be done in 3 hours.

ERGH!!!!!!!

2006-04-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

Studying for Law School Midterms...is SO NOT FUN!

But websurfing is... :)

I'm looking for a way to get fit without spending $50/session on a personal trainer. Now, I totally think that personal trainers are worth that type of money, and I think that my health is worth that type of money too....but this isn't a "cost is an issue in the absence of value" situation. It's a "cost is an issue in the absence of sufficient currency" issue. Bleah. Anyway, I found in an interesting site, and they have program locations near my house. I'm thinking it may be a good deal...I'd do the "3 sessions/week" program for $200, I think...though I'd much rather do 5/week. It boils down to about $17/hour of instruction, which is pretty good. AND, most importantly, it fits in with my work schedule.

BUT, the most agonizing thing is, I have a free and wonderful membership to a health center at my hubby's work...I just don't know how to take advantage of all the awesome equipment that's there. If anyone knows someone who's studying to be a Personal Trainer or has another reason for wanting to train someone cheaply :) let me know! I'd much rather go that route so that I creative a self-sustaining level of independence re: my health.

if anyone needs a flash drive....

2006-04-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

This place has a huge selection and incredible prices...I'm not sure how they do it, but whatever their system is, it's working! I'm still in shock....I just got a 1 GB flash drive for $45! and that includes shipping and insurance!. Yeah, pretty amazing. : )

good things

2006-04-17T00:12:00.000-07:00

life is full of 'em...even in the midst of all sorts of stress.

A few examples:

getting to spend a week in San Francisco, meeting lots of awesome new people & making some great (hopefully lifelong) contacts
eating the singlemost delicious dessert I've ever tasted (and I've tried MANY!)..."sopa de chocolate"--a chilled chocolate soup surrounding a tiny chocolate brioche pudding topped w/ a mini scoop of housemade vanilla ice cream. complements of b44, a Spanish restaurant at 44 Beldon Street in downtown SF.
learning a LOT about my view of business, professionalism, and myself
having several upcoming opportunities to build courage
reconnecting with a lovely friend from college
getting to attend a 5 AM Easter vigil service wherein I and the wunderhusband watched the "Pascal fire" relit (having been ceremonially extinguished on Good Friday)
having a wonderful conversation with one of my favorite artists (thanks, Joi!!)
waiting for the arrival of a new person, Lucy Motte

All of these lovely blessings in the midst of stress of midterms, a sick hubby, and large quantities of change (and not the spendable kind!)....God is good.

go visit these websites!!

2006-04-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

If you're bored, here are some fun sites to peruse:

One of the most creative sites I've ever been on-beautifully organized, inspiring on all levels...a complete gem. I love you, Lisa Vollrath! :)

Yummy, amazingly well-priced, HAND MADE body care products. Her scents are to die for, and her mailing list offers are a complete steal...she won't spam you, and you get incredible free stuff, huge discounts (especially on candles!), and special offers that don't appear anywhere else. Yeay for Starfire! :) (no affiliation...she's just turned me into a raving fan)

Oh yeah! Visited the martial arts studio today, where I'll be starting Martial Arts on 4/24/2006....very exciting. Glad I signed up for it when my hubby did and BEFORE I saw what it'll be like. I'm now terrified but excited....it'll be good to get in some conditioning exercises (though pushups done on my knuckles on stacks of bricks are really NOT my preference), and again, always good to be yanked out of the ol' comfort zone.

OOO. Went to a US AID presentation today at Loma Linda. It was about what the US is doing in Afghanistan...I almost started having an anxiety attack during the talk. It was very disturbing to hear about a 1600 per 100,000 maternal death rate (highest in the WORLD)...for a comparison, the US maternal death rate is 6 per 100,000. And Afghanistan's may be much much higher--it's rough to get accurate statistics in such a torn up, disorganized situation.

US AID ROCKS! I want to work for them when I grow up! :)

long time coming

2006-04-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

One thing i detest is that when my life gets really interesting, instead of running to my computer to share the events with my blog buddies, I instead QUIT BLOGGING. This makes NO sense to me.

Anywho, many exciting things have happened. Some I can share here, and others I cannot.

Loads of friends are having babies--this is incredibly fun to watch and learn from. Having two pregnant women at my last job made me realize that being pregnant does not mean you sit at home alone, isolated, and in pain (I don't know WHY I thought this...not sure I realized I thought this 'til I found myself surprised at how active my pregnant co-workers are). I also realized that you don't have to gain inordinate amounts of weight when you're pregnant....VERY reassuring for someone has obsessed with body image, etc., as I am. In fact, all people my age who are having babies are quite fit, and seem to have bounced back from pregnancy very well.

Went to the snow with my hubby and our dog on Saturday--SO FUN...it was absolutely glorious.... We started hiking in this low, dark part of the mountain--and it was FREEZING COLD with an icky, icy wind. So, we went back to car and just went a few miles up, and lo and behold! the sun was out, the snow was sparkling (more like blinding!), and there was no freezing wind. We experienced an interesting phenomenon--since we were hiking in the sun, the snow was melting in a continuous stream off the trees, so anytime we were under the trees that lined the trail, it was like hiking in the rain...something we never anticipated. Our dog didn't mind, and she looked adorable in the snow, her fur all puffed up and her ears perky and excited.

Must get back to studying now...much love!

not bad...

2006-02-19T15:04:00.000-08:00

except I'm a SCORPIO!

You Should Be A Pisces

What's good about you: carefree and compassionate, you are truly light hearted

What's bad about you: when things get bad, you tend to retreat and not let others in

In love: you're a true romantic - it's flowers, bubble baths, and candles all the way

In friendship, you're: eager to lend a sympathetic ear and likely to develop a deep connection

Your ideal job: bartender, magician, or secret agent

Your sense of fashion: simple clothes that don't distract from your personality

You like to pig out on: seafood - from fish sticks to salmon

What Sign Should You Be?

wish I could've seen...

2006-02-07T00:17:00.000-08:00

this

Seriously....this artist has some really amazing concepts...I particularly like his rant against the techniques used by visual media.

::smiles::

2006-02-05T15:46:00.000-08:00

thinkingofyou
Originally uploaded by Miriam and Tony.

created beauty

2006-02-05T15:24:00.000-08:00

I overheard an interesting conversation between a man and woman a few days ago. They were talking abt the concepts of attraction and what makes a member of the opposite sex alluring. The guy said that a "good body" was far more attractive to him than a beautiful face. WHY??? The female asked, slightly outraged...the answer has stayed with me this whole week.

"Because," he explained, "A beautiful body must be created, and it takes a lot of work to maintain. I know that that person has taken the time to take care of herself and keep herself up, and that's far more attractive than having a pretty face b/c having a pretty face takes no actual effort".

Intriguing...goes along with the other realization I had a couple of weeks ago--when I believe in my own worth as an immortal soul loved by God, and I feel (and therefore exude) the joy, love, and confidence that comes along with such a freeing realization, people notice and respond in kind.
(Funny example: I was feeling unusually happy, confident and outgoing one night as I drove home. I was singing and dancing in my car, on a natural high from feeling so joyful. A guy on a motorcycle pulled up near my car and I glanced over (like I always do) to see exactly where he was. We locked eyes (weird). and he waved....I waved back and smiled. he continued to wave...and I realized he wasn't waving, he was beckoning. After motioning me to follow him, he headed toward an exit on the freeway....fun times! Of course, I kept driving....but seriously, this stuff almost always happens not when I'm all dressed up or looking particularly cute. It happens when I'm feeling happy and confident.)

People seem to be attracted to love in any form--it's so wonderful to interact with a person who has been freed by love to be herself/himself...and to therefore STOP OBSESSING ABOUT her/himself!

It's also a place that invites criticism...people often seem to want to test and poke and prod good or strong things/people, etc. to see if they're real. This can be pretty brutal or mean...b/c the place from which people question such things is one of disbelief, skepticism, anger, or jealousy....mostly because they themselves are hurting.

I hope to be in a strong, loving, and un-self-obsessed place more often than not this year, this month, this week...today.

working epiphany

2006-02-05T15:16:00.000-08:00

Always a struggle for a people-pleaser like yours truly is the concept of personal desires, wants, integrity, etc., vs. worrying re: disappointing people and doing what others want me to do.

Thankfully, several wonderful people in my life have had and continue to have a positive influence on my mental battle with this. Recently, work has been insane...crazy expectations, etc....and we just got a new person transferring in who I've known for over a year. This person, we'll call her Ophelia, is an amazing Salesperson....and I just found out how. And I've decided that I can definitely learn from this person, but I don't want to be #1 if it involves doing everything she did. I realized that when the top people are cheating and doing very questionable things to be #1, it's pretty silly to stress out about ethically beating them. I just need to do my personal best (which, granted, can definitely be improved) and take pride in doing that. My competitive side HATES that....and there's still a part of me that says "C'mon, God, help me figure out a way to beat them to show that good can still prevail". The reality is, though, my day-to-day interactions with individuals are what truly show either goodness or indifference, or apathy, or compassion.

And so I'm excited to return, rejuvenated, to improve and hone my skills....and to take pride in taking care of people and making sure they get what they need.

Mir

what I want to do...

2006-01-04T10:16:00.000-08:00

if I'm ever a parent.

I love the monthly newsletter this woman does for her daughter. This month's letter made me cry.

Happy 2006

2006-01-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

Yeay for the new year. I always get a rush in January--even though I haven't made any special resolutions, etc., the new year just highlights the opportunity I have every day....to make a new start and be a better person, no matter what has transpired previously.

God has been so real to me in these past few hours--he's felt so near in a way that hasn't been in my life for many, many months. What a beautiful way to start 2006.

I hereby dub thee, 2006, year of good changes!

MERRY TIMES!

2005-12-26T23:44:00.000-08:00

What a wonderful Christmas this has been--the best married Christmas, thus far, and a wonderful time to connect with friends.

We made 50 candy apples this year and packaged them all (indivdually) in 45 minutes flat! They were coated in homemade-from-scratch caramel and tons of toppings--chocolate, m & m's, reese's peanut butter chips, snicker's bar pieces, white chocolate, rice krispy bits, nuts, etc....yum!

We got to hang out with our dear friends Tim & Rachel on Christmas afternoon. We also received some AWESOME Tazo tea and bulbs to grow our own narcissus plants from them...what thoughtful gifts!

Had a fun time at the family party--the gift exchange was hilarious--we had to do impressions of the person to whom we were giving a gift. good times! AND....the best part of this season, imho, was spending Christmas Eve with my two brothers in law, my cousin, my brother in law's girlfriend, and my DH. We all went to the 9:50 showing of Narnia--what a fabulous way to start in on Christmas. :)

Found out my old college roomie is PREGNANT! Congrats, bacchant friend o' mine! :)

Life is its usual "awful, beautiful" self....much love to all...and may we all shine the love of He who gave His only son so that we could be in eternal community with Him to all we meet.

hmmmm.

2005-12-16T23:55:00.000-08:00

what Beauty do you hold?(with anime pics)

your Beauty is mysterious.your usually seen by yourself and when you are around others your often lost in your own thoughts.your eye's are so deep that anyone could get lost in them
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

YEAY ME!

2005-12-16T23:40:00.000-08:00

MAJOR HURDLE ummm, well, HURDLED!!! : )

I wrote my first law school essay today (it was on Torts), after being absolutely petrified by the thought for 2 days. (yeah--who would have ever thought *I* would be scared of a writing assignment??)

It was rather exhilarating--though I know that anyone else (Especially anyone who has to read such a monster) would find the whole thing quite mind-numbing. Just submitted it right now. BIG load off--really frees me up to do other things.

Had a weird day at work--one of my bosses made me SOOO MAD that I snapped at her and flat out refused to do something. She's still mad. I figured out a more diplomatic way that I could have handled the situation...but I'm still proud that I defended my boundaries...that's a big thing for me! :) Still, it was a great sales day with lots of fun people to interact with, and 2 people commented that I have really "small, cute feet". That's SO RANDOM...but hey, at least 1 part of me is small! :-P PLUS...I get to wear JEANS to work tomorrow--oh happy, glorious day!

Much love, dear friends...sorry for the pedestrian posts lately! Hopefully pedestrian is better than totally absent? :-/ ?
::hugs::

who am I??

2005-12-13T21:05:00.000-08:00

and WHY DO I WANT THIS?

Seriously, what's happening to me? I tried the "cotton candy" flavor of the Treats line at Ulta's cosmetics counter and practically bit my own hand off--it tasted SO DELICIOUS!! I think I may have found someone who can duplicate or at least come close to making something like it. We'll see.

Until then, I shall resist my hopelessly girly whims!

keloids

2005-12-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

I think I'm prone to emotional keloids. I had a friend who suffered horrible burns all over his body
and because he was prone to developing a painful, particularly awful and restricting type of scar tissue, he had keloids all over his arms and neck--huge, upraised scars that hurt and restricted his muscle movement.

Seriously, I must have the EXACT SAME condition in relation to my emotions. I know I have scars from hurtful people, decisions, relationships and circumstances....but scars aren't supposed to hurt!! And they're not supposed to restrict further growth....It's a funny thing: every time I think I'm doing SO WELL in one area, it seems that there's another scar just waiting to give me that agonizing, not-so-little twinge that can only come from guilt-ridden regret.

Yet in all of this, what is truly amazing, is that I can still experience beautiful, life-altering joy. How can this be? I think God knew that we'd have incredible sadness here on earth--that's why he's given us such amazing "Ambiguity tolerance"--the ability to live with absurdly divergent circumstances and fully experience the nuances of each one.

weird yet wonderful.

morbid?

2005-12-13T20:35:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, the clouds were ridiculously glorious--always in several crazy patterns at once, with beautiful, bright colors strewn in...

I was enjoying this sight while driving to work and laughed when I saw a giant cupcake-shaped cloud...or was it a mushroom-cloud shaped cloud....?

Instead of making myself choose between the two, I decided it was a nuclear cupcake.

encouraging

2005-12-07T00:38:00.000-08:00

Had a 2.5 hour meeting this AM--and loved it....God knows just what I need sometimes. : ) My financial consultant did an awesome sales presentation with some very helpful tips, etc. But his most memorable tidbits were the 3 very nice comments he specifically made about my work....and he made all of those comments in front of my sales manager. These comments struck me particularly b.c I have such an excessive amt of career oriented angst right now--I'm hating retail, hating that only 30% of my job (at the most) involves making positive changes in people's lives. ::sigh:: Then, my FC comes along and mentions that even though he "knows I want to join the Peace Corp" (it's a joke between us that I want to do something more altruistic and his main goal in life is to make TONS of $$...nothing wrong with; it's just a funny difference between the two of us), he thinks I make a really good relationship manager b/c "her customers love her". He also mentioned that I'm at the point where he completely trusts me to serve customers on my own and just bring him in on deals I think he should be in on, or deals that exceed my (admittedly puny) $100K limit. That means, conversely, that I even though I'm technically only supposed to do deals that are 25K or less, I could actually do anything under 100K on my own....SWEET (and scary)! Then....during a discussion about good profiling/customer interaction techniques, he used me as an example twice: 1st, he said that I smile sincerely and ALL the time, and 2nd that I do a really good job of listening and finding common points of interest with which to connect with the customer. The funny thing is, I had recently been agonizing over feeling like that was one of my worst points and wishing I could be more like him in that area. Just funny how God throws in little bits of encouragment when I'm feeling down. I figured I'd write these things down so I can glance back at them when I'm feeling blue. :)

Missing Torrey immensely right now...even more than usual.

for my partner in glitter-crime :)

2005-11-28T22:42:00.000-08:00

and of course, the piece de resistance (insert apropo accents, please!)

OK I admit....

2005-11-28T22:33:00.000-08:00

I'm now obsessed with these new-fangled "glitter graphics" for blogs. FINALLY!! :)

one of my favorite disney characters!

2005-11-28T22:30:00.000-08:00

must get out

2005-11-12T23:55:00.000-08:00

ugh. after 1 year, 3 months, and 6 days at my current job, I've suddenly come to realize that I completely and thoroughly despise 60% of what I'm supposed to do. The final straw came when I heard on good (office scuttlebutt) authority that our goals are going to be raised, and much of what we do for existing customers will no longer count toward meeting those goals. The reason? The powers that be say that the company is losing $$ because too many people are "comping" (e.g., performing well above minimum standards and thus getting financial compensation above basic salaries). MY WHOLE GOAL IN THIS JOB IS TO HELP PEOPLE!!! And now that will no longer "COUNT"??? In fact, if that's mostly what I do, I'll more than likely be fired for not "meeting minimum standards"? I've finally and profoundly realized that my company, in its basic policies governing lowly retail workers like myself, does NOT care about taking care of the customer. It simply cares about making money. If it were not profitable to be ethical, my company would not be ethical. ::sigh:: I'm SO in the wrong line of work! I have no problem staying with my company--I just need to be in a VERY different department.

Still, I must say...I'm incredibly grateful to have employment, and I am very grateful for this job. I consider myself VERY fortunate to be at this company with the benefits and perks that it offers. I'm just sad that my idea of what doing a good job is comprised of doesn't jive with the idea my superiors have of the same concept. It just makes me very sad and lowers my morale. Now, if I were a good little retail worker, I'd be fired up by what they tell me and want to go out and work harder...for whatever current carrot, er, prize that's being offered. I don't mind selling. In fact, when I get people in front of me--even people who don't really want what I have to offer--if they can benefit from it and are relatively reasonable and willing to converse, I have a darn good pack rate (e.g., I'm really good at selling LOTS of products to the customers I work with). I just hate the pressure to sell to people who don't need, don't want, can't afford what I have to offer. It's stupid--I'm here to HELP people have simpler, better lives, not to badger, manipulate, or trick them into getting something they don't need or won't benefit from. That's just not in me.

If anyone can simply pray that I will be a gracious, godly witness and that God will help me to find something better suited to my talents and temperament and to be fearless, strong, self-motivated, creative, and "outside-of-the-box-thinking", I'd be forever grateful.

much love.

the adventure continues...

2005-11-08T00:43:00.000-08:00

at home!!

It's wonderful to be back. We got in on Saturday night, running 45 minutes late as our plane was delayed at takeoff (mostly because of the extremely thorough, "Red-alert" searches the airport was conducting on everyone). We waited forEVER for our luggage to get in LAX, but really what can one expect when the luggage of 500 people is being unloaded? : )

A's Dad picked us up, and we stopped at the Y parent's home for a bite of supper and a b-day celebration

Mom Y. got me an amazing cheesecake assortment from the Cheesecake Factory, and even though I'm not normally a cheescake person, the chocolate mousse blended one with the chocolate cookie-crumb crust got me!! Mmmm.

We debriefed a bit with the parents and relatives who were home, then we got into our own truck with a very happy Magical Puppy, and headed home. Being jet-lagged, we were completely energized at midnight, and we completely unpacked and sorted all of the gifts and souvenirs we acquired on our trip. We also started doing laundry (always fun ...bleah!), and "restarting" the house (i.e., turning the gas back on, relighting furnaces, turning h2o back on, etc). I stayed up 'til 8 AM putting all our pictures from the trip onto Flickr.com, along with captions and titles. VERY fun!! (btw, if you're a friend and you're reading this AND you want access to my pics, email me and I'll send you an invite. For privacy reasons, they're not accessible to the public).

We had a bit of a scare when we thought our water pipes had burst...AGAIN, but it was a false alarm, THANKS BE TO GOD!!

JETLAG SUCKS!!!!
I thought I'd go to bed "early" last night at 2 AM to try to restart by body's clock....but I ended up sleeping 'til 2 PM!! ARHG!

I've tried to make up for it by having a very productive day today--cooking food for the week, researching nutrition (found an amazing website here. It's an 80 page report on nutrition done by the USDA committee. It's SO helpful, especially the appendices that detail exactly what foods are good sources of certain nutrients like iron, Vitamine B12, protein, and fiber.), and psychologically prepping for a productive work-week. My mom reminded me that Friday is Veteran's Day and (again, thanks be to God) a BANK HOLIDAY!!! Sooooo, I don't have a huge, 5 day stretch this week--I have a nice 3 day stretch, a one-day break, and then 1 more work day.

My dear friend brightened my week with one of the most beautiful and thoughtful presents anyone has given me. Absolutely breathtaking!! : ) Thanks, J-bird!

I must try to wind down as I have to have a normal person's schedule tomorrow, so farewell for now. Much love, Mircat

still in Manila

2005-10-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Wow--yesterday was incredible. We started out the day refreshed, after a great night's sleep (having danced 'til midnight the previous night). I got my scrapbook done for the previous day, then we went out to lunch with Tita Noemi at a little restaurant that serves fusion cuisine, and whose owner has chosen to decorate in EGYPYIAN style. Every chair in the restaurant has a unique, handpainted scene from ancient Egypt on it, and the walls are all murals of the same genre. The door to the ladies' room (or "comfort room" as it's known here), had a huge painting of a royal Egyptian princess with jewels (3d) glued to her jewelry.

It rained as we were driving to the restaurant, and the streets flooded almost instantly, then stopped flooding and went back to normal just a few minutes after the rain stopped.

Then, we went to "MEGA MALL". It's basically the craziest mall I've ever been to. It's SIX stories high, and city blocks long. And it has EVERYthing in it. I went to 4 fabric stores, a bead store, plus too many clothing stores to count. We found Anthony some awesome (and VERY affordable dress pants and shirts, and then had the pants custom-hemmed for 25 pesos...yeah, that's FIFTY cents.).

I found some amazing things there for lots of people on my gift list. : )

After the mall, we went home, freshened up, then had dinner with A's cousin Trish--she's 19, and an AWESOME, interesting person. We ate dinner at her grandma's house at a ONE PIECE, 20 PERSON TABLE....truly awe-inspiring. Then, we watched _Lord of War_...good but jaded movie. Then, we went to the Embassy club and saw the MTV semi-finalists for "SupahStar" announced. We danced a little, then since it was about 1 AM, and A and I are "old married" folks, we got tired and went home.

Much love!!

MANILA!!

2005-10-24T00:53:00.000-07:00

Well, after a loooong flight, we're finally in Manila. It's amazing. First impressions: sticky, dirty, AMAZINGLY interesting, crowded, and full of bizarre contrasts: for instance, we drove past a shantytown next to skyscrapers, next to a beautiful park surrounding the palace thena trash-fille river, all in quick succession.

We were met at the airport by Tito Bill--good times!!! He drove us to his place for b-fast where we got to see A's paternal grandma. Then we headed to Tita Noemi's (we'll be staying at her place for the duration of our Manila visit). She welcomed us then told us to rest while she finished up some work at the office. we took a short nap, freshened up, then decided to go to the Botanical Gardens....but were told by T. Noemi that it was too hot for that. So we headed to Ayalla Museum instead....only to discover that it was closed b/c today is Monday. So......oh gee darn.....we HAD to go to the mall nearby. It's huge, and all the stuff is fairly well price. The food is absurdly cheap and yummy, an the mall is air conditioned. We'll meet T. Noemi for dinner in about an hour. that's all for now....!

WOW!

2005-09-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

Just 25 days!

energy

2005-09-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

Just can't help but think about the palpable energy that's simply....yanked out of the universe when a loved one dies. Is that energy created by us, by our love for that person, in conjunction with their immortal soul? So, is there less energy yanked out for a less loved person? Or do we simply miss a loved one more than we miss, say a Hitler or a Jeffrey Dahmer? Yet, when a horrible person dies, don't we feel a sense of relief? Their negative, scary presence is gone too.

Hurricane Katrina really brings home this point--so many people's essences have simply been yanked out of this plane of our universe. I think of the gaping holes left in my life by loved ones who have died, and I realize: there's death all around us, all day and every day. RIGHT NOW, there's a large scale genocide occurring in Darfu r, (yes, we CAN do something about genocide) not to mention "smaller scale" wars, terrorist activity, and murders. NO WONDER our planet is in such disarray: the very air we breathe is tainted with death. Right now, we in America are more aware than usual of the death that surrounds us daily, but whether we're thinking about it or not, it still affects us.

This just reminds me that we MUST bring the hope and life of Love Incarnate, God, to everyone we come in contact with--it's not just a nice idea: it's the only way to survive with any semblance of sanity in this life. There's a huge vacuum all the time just waiting to be filled with something: misery, anger, hate, sorrow....or love....or courage....or beauty....or peace. And we have a chance to be a part of that influence every single day.

I'm so fortunate to have a job where I deal with people all day--I MUST remind myself of this, even when I want to just smack a frustrating person. :) God, give me the strength to be the sort of influence you would have me be....much love to all!

HAPPY 1st ANNIVERSARY TO US!! :)

2005-08-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

YEAY! We reached our 1 year wedding anniversary today. Though we've been celebrating since our Vegas trip, we had a special plan for our actual "day of" anniversary. We'd orginally thought we'd go to LA, stay a complimentary night at a hotel, then explore museums. Then, last minute, we canceled that and decided we'd go to Laguna Beach instead, as a day trip. We went, enjoyed the high 70s temp (where we live, it was in the triple digits instead!!), then stopped in to watch Be Cool with my inlaws & had dinner with them.

Then, we dashed off the REI to get some last minute supplies for A--he's on alert and may be deployed with other FEMA response teams to the areas affected by Hurricane Katrina.

Then, we took a "1st year" picture with Magic, just a casual one on the couch...it came out looking rather hilarious--very apropo. :)

Thanks be to God-- ONE YEAR OF MARRIAGE!!

BOOKS!!! and disturbing thoughts

2005-08-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have all my books for law school! YEAY! Just 9, but they make a stack (no joke) that's nearly 3 feet high. These books are HUGE!

The nerd in me wants to carry them everywhere.....but I digress.

Should I be a parent? Weird question, I know. But, I had a strange thought: my husband is thrilled about having kids. I think it's the coolest job in the world (though I'm simultaneously TERRIFIED at the thought of undertaking it). Yet, I constantly say that I don't want to have kids and have no intention of having them anytime soon. I'm so scared that I'm supposed to be a parent and am too immature to realize it or to be a good one....And I mean, is that what I'm supposed to do with my life? Be a parent? AHHHHH! What if I AM, but I realize it too late, and I can't be? Or I've wasted all sorts of valuable time not being one.

Why am I still going through career-type angst? I'm happy with my life, relatively, but I'm not doing what I want to do ....though (and I digress) I had an interesting realization re: my current job.

Because of this realization, I will no longer call myself a corporate drone. I had the opportunity to be (potentially) head-hunted by another department for a job as a sort of uber-secretary--basically, the lady who runs the office for people who do lots of high-level deals w/ business customers. and as I posted for the job (corporate slang for expressing interest in a position online), I realized that even though the hours are better and the stress factors much fewer, I DON'T WANT ANOTHER JOB 'til I've KICKED SOME SERIOUS ARSE in my current position. That's right: I'm CHOOSING to STAY in this position 'til I've beat the bejabbers out of it and maintained my integrity while doing so.

Oh, God.....please help me see you. And once again: "My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believethat the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my peril alone." ~Thomas Merton

and now the pedestrian

2005-08-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how little tasks can be so challenging. I mean, people mention things like "Oh we put a protective coating on the garage floor" or "We cleared out the storage shed" all the time.

AND NO ONE REALIZES HOW HARD THAT WAS!

Yes, we just epoxied (is that a word?) our garage floor, which involved taking EVERYthing out, and then washing the floor with muriatic acid and a pressure washer. We've allowed the floor to cure for 3 days now, so we're ready to plunk everything back in....AFTER washing it all down and thorougly re-organizing and labeling. Yep, and all this activity and frenziedwork is contained in the sentence, "We epoxied the garage floor this weekend". ::shakes head::

Law school starts this next week, after Labor Day. I'm scared, but really excited. There are so few people in my class....I'm a bit worried: not that I can't do the work, but is this the right place for me to be? Will I learn enough? Will I be challenged enough? I want to be around smart people who will force me out of my comfort zone, and whose thoughts and ideas help lift me out of my own limitations.

It's hard to see how that can happen through an online medium. But then I remind myself: this is so perfect for all of our plans, etc. I'm able to do SO MUCH MORE with this type of an education than a traditional one. And hey, life's never been traditional for me anyway. Not a single bit of my education has ever been "normal" (Thanks be to God!), so why should I expect anything to be different now? : )

Do pray for wisdom and diligence. This won't be easy, and it's certainly not cheap. : )

Much love.

yummy

2005-08-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

Yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skillfully curled)
all worlds

--e.e. cummings

one of my favorite poets

2005-08-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this guy's work!

Justin E Rigamonti wrote this:

Open your mouth
in the mornings & say
a word, by faith.

There are many who will tip
over when the sun rises
& shake their dreams out like rocks
from a boot.
This does not apply to them.

But if when you wake
you feel the corners of many worlds
pressing down lightly upon you like
bird beaks, silencing you

then you, by faith,
quietly stand - in your kitchen,
living room, or backyard

and say a word.

**************
Wow. I think I'll print this and put it up where I can see it daily. It reminds me to savor and daily acknowledge the sublime....and so much more.

CRAZINESS!

2005-08-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

New Word for the Day: Invious
Definition: Untrodden. E.g., I hope the path my life takes is heretofore invious. : )

The last several days have been insane and heretofore in my life, quite invious. Where to begin? Let's start with Vegas.

Yes indeed, I took my very first trip to Vegas just last weekend, and WHAT A TRIP IT WAS! It was made fabulous by the presence of my beloved hubby. He arranged the trip and our activities as an early celebration of our upcoming 1 year wedding anniversary(!!). He kept the details a secret 'til just before we left, then told me we'd be attending the world's largest Star Trek convention at the Las Vegas Hilton. GOOD TIMES (if you're an incurable nerd like myself). We saw Garret Wang He's ADORABLE, btw--very cute, funny and nice to listen to. We also heard Kate Mulgrew speak, and I thought I'd hate her. I was SO WRONG! She is incredibly intelligent, poised, and very intriguing--plus, she talks like I do, dancing from one subject to the other, and rambling on about philosophical topics (though I think she's a bit better well-read than I am).

Then, we went on the Star Trek Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton--it was THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS PER PERSON! (though they eased the pain of this a bit by allowing unlimited access to the ride for the whole day). AWESOME. We thoroughly enjoyed it.

After a day of Trek, we walked around the Desert Passage in the Aladdin, and I viewed some of the highest end shopping I've ever seen in my life. Unbelievable. I'm still reeling.

That night, as we stolled around NY, NY, we were approached by a guy offering us free tix to Cirque d' Soleil. I jumped at the offer, forcing Anthony to tell me that he'd already GOTTEN US TIX to Mystere(!!!). I was THRILLED. So, the guy offered us a $100 gift card to the MGM Grand or NY NY if we'd go to a time share presentation. We went, got drafted into being half of the entertainment for the presentation, then tried out for a new reality game show called "The Newlyweds," or something like that (hosted by Alex Thicke from Growing Pains). We also bought a $10,000 time share.

Then we decided it was a luxury product we had no business buying, and we rescinded the offer yesterday. But we learned a TON about time shares, and we'll hopefully get one once we're a bit more settled. It seemed like a great way to stay in nice places for the same price as the yucky places charge. : )

We drove home in HEAVY traffic on Sunday, and got HAILED on as the sun was shining--random and weird! I also got to meet 2 of A's friends, now married, that he knew in High School. They have 2 ridiculously cute kids and lots of fun animals (including 2 saltwater tanks that have tons of coral and other interesting creatures), a huge laborador, and a pixie-bob cat (it's 1/16th bobcat, I think, and he totally looks like a miniature wildcat).

Then, work was insane yesterday and today. Nonstop people, and lots of them with weird complaints or needs, or who were simply weird. We're getting a new manager, and those who know her from working with her previously say that she's AMAZING. Thank goodness. That's a huge answer to prayer.

love you all and miss you much!

I wish I'd read this a few years ago

2005-08-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

An Henri Nouwen quote from The Inner Voice of Love.

"When you experience the deep pain of loneliness, it is understandable that your thoughts go out to the person who was able to take that loneliness away, even if only for a moment. When, underneath all the praise and acclaim, you feel a huge absence that makes everything look useless, your heart wants only one thing--to be with the person who once was able to dispel these frightful emotions. But it is the absence itself, the emptiness within you, that you have to be willing to experience, not the one who could temporarily take it away.

It is not easy to stay with your loneliness. The temptation is to nurse your pain or to escape into fantasies about people who will take it away. But when you can acknowledge your loneliness in a safe, contained place, you make your pain available for God's healing.

God does not want your loneliness; God wants to touch you in a way that permanently fulfills your deepest need. It is important that you dare to stay with your pain and allow it to be there. You have to own your loneliness and trust that it will not always be there. The pain you suffer now is meant to put you in touch with the place where you most need healing, your very heart. The person who was able to touch that place has revealed to you your pearl of great price.

It is understandable that everything you did, are doing, or plan to do seems completely meaningless compared with that pearl. That pearl is the experience of being fully loved. When you experience deep loneliness, you are willing to give up everything in exchange for healing. But no human being can heal that pain. Still, people will be sent to you to mediate God's healing, and they will be able to offer you the deep sense of belonging that you desire and that gives meaning to all you do.

Dare to stay with your pain, and trust in God's promise to you."

Who knew it was this easy?

2005-08-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

cool!

2005-07-28T13:48:00.000-07:00

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.

Angel

83%

Mermaid

75%

Dragon

42%

Faerie

25%

WereWolf

17%

Demon

What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com

as promised....

2005-07-18T21:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, Juliet, I'm posting....

What a crazy summer already. Let's see: we've

been without A/C during one of the hottest weeks all summer
been without water during the same week
seen 2 of the greatest couples we know get married
bought our tix to go to the Philippines (Oct 24..whoohooo!)
fixed a/c and water and learned to appreciate a/c and h2o immensely
gotten a leave of absence granted for A from school

On the work front:

my boss (the greatest WF manager EVER) is LEAVING : ( (he got a great promotion that will allow him to spend more time with his daughters...::sigh::....can't argue with that)
I really love my co-workers and am starting to enjoy the benefits of working for a large company
Whiny, mean, rude people REALLY BUG ME....seriously....I'm going to resort to physical violence one of these days.
I'm learning really good boundaries from said whiny, rude, mean peoplel : )

On the school front:

I start Concord law school September 6!! I'm SO excited
I'm also going to try to squeeze in sign language....we'll see how that works out.

On the cool quotes front:

From my current artist-idol, Lisa Vollrath:

I was trained to be an artist, by a whole string of teachers who put the emphasis on daily work, in the same way an athlete must put in daily work. I was taught that creative muscles must be exercised, long, hard and regularly.

With practice, creating becomes instinctive, as natural an act as breathing---but to get to that point, first you must actually shed your fears and make things. Lots of them.

So, what are you waiting for?
~Lisa Vollrath

On the random thoughts front:

pregnancy and birth are phenomenally beautiful.....I held a brand new, 3 day old little boy and teared up--he was such a miraculous creation.

what a week!

2005-05-29T23:39:00.000-07:00

And may I say it again??? WHAT A WEEK!

I'm officially a licensed stockbroker and "Investment Consultant" with my work (YEAY ME!!) ( I have been for some time, according to the State of CA, but now I officially am according to my work)
My best friend got MARRIED THIS WEEKEND and I got to be a "matron of honor"
I peed on my dog (looooong story)

So, I got to be in LA again--talk about a "WOW Experience". When I went back to the dreaded hotel where I spend 4 months last year, checking in as late as possible, I recognized the guy working the desk. He glanced up (and mind you, this is a HUGE hotel in LA, and it's been 8 months since I've been there) and the first thing he said was "HI!! How's married life? Long time no see!" OK, if that's not the coolest customer service ever, I don't know what is.

That set the tone for a great week, and I was able to complete my class for Wells Fargo to officially allow me to sell stocks, bonds, and other investment products.

Then, I dashed over to AZ to fulfill my matron of honor's duties for my bestest friend : ). The wedding was AMAZING, as was the gorgeous reception. It's still surreal that my best friend is married to a guy that my husband and I introduced her to....kinda terrifying! : ) It was a beautiful day, though very difficult....There's a quote by Sheldon Van Auken, I believe, that talks about how there is much joy in life, but all of that joy is tinged with a sense of sorrow because in this world, we're surrounded by loss, tragedy, and sadness. That is SO true of the recent events. Bear was so present and so obviously not present. He was in the purple irises in all of our bouquets (his fave color was purple)...he was SO missing in the picture of Juliet and her mom....Moments before the ceremony was to begin, we took pictures and I just about lost it when the photographer was taking pics of family with the bride, and there was Pamela (J's mom) standing next to Juliet without Bear. Yet, it was a joyous celebration of the union of 2 lives and families. Amazing. God is good, and Life is Beautiful, and yes, the world sucks!

Much love. I'll try to be better about posting.

summer update

2005-04-04T18:08:00.000-07:00

YES! Got a lot done today on my day off despite having WASTED the previous two days :(

Got my application in for EMT school this summer.
Completed my application for Concord Law School & called my admissions advisor to set up an interview.
CLEARED OUT THE LIVING ROOM (we've had a huge, UGLY work table in there for the past 7 months. EWW! now it's GONE...WHOOHOO!)
Got the doggie groomed: she is now "Le Puffy Puppy"...I love how hilarious she looks after the groomer "fluff-dries" her.
Got the laundry done!

Feeling rather isolated lately....missing many people. Guess it's my cue to start chatting with God more, eh? :-P Love to all...

Feminism, anyone? :)

2005-04-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

I'm all about feminism to a point....

And this article is intriguing: How Feminism Betrayed Terry Schiavo

beautiful day....

2005-03-20T20:26:00.000-08:00

All of the painting projects in our home are FINALLY FINISHED!! WOW. The entire interior has been repainted. It's a beautiful thing. Our guestroom is a beautiful sky blue, our office is a light green....a little to bright for our taste, but HEY, it was our first room! The hall (TINY) is "Calla Lilly/Country White", which really opens everything up, and it leads into our "blue opal" living/dining area. Blue opal is amazing....it's basically an unbelievably faint blue that changes colors throughout the day, depending on the light that hits it...in the morning it's almost white, with a tiny tint of bright blue, like a very clean sky. In the afternoon, it looks like a little more blue-tinted (less white), and then at night it has these tints of purply grey. I'm in love: what can I say? : )

Our guest bathroom is beach themed....LOVE IT. From about waist height on down, it's sponged in sandy colors. Then from waist height on up, there's three (very subtle) shades of blue and white swirled together in a colorwash to look like the sky. There's a clean white border of crown molding separating the two levels. Our bedroom is just a pure white....very clean and uncluttered. And our guest bathroom is sponged 3 different very subtle shades of green with negative leaf prints on it to look like leaves are kinda swirling/fluttering around the walls. The leaves we used to make the prints were from our trees in the front yard.

But the BEST part of the day was waking up and having breakfast with J and C!!!! It was so awesome to have them visit on their way back home. ::hugs to all::

which Girl interrupted Character Are you?

2005-03-20T20:24:00.000-08:00

Which Girl Interrupted character are you?

Susanna Kaysen

You are the main character, a Girl, Interrupted. You have a borderline personality and were admitted to Claymore after chasing a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka. You ended being up a successful writer after your release, just like Sylvia Plath.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

What kind of poem are you?

2005-03-20T20:10:00.000-08:00

I think I'm kinda Plath-y too....but I'll go with this.

Which poem are you?

Sonnet 17 by Pablo Neruda

Aw, you're a romantic. You believe in true love and all that sort of stuff. How cute are you? To you, love is incredible and amazing.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

twisted reality

2005-03-16T20:09:00.000-08:00

Stray thought. Reality TV is so absurdly apropo for our current culture. We love subjective, silly, unreal "realities". We believe in creating our own world, disconnected from community and God, and objective standards....and we believe that the isolated, comfortable cages we create are "reality". we don't see that by limiting ourselves to what we see as real and possible, we just settle for mediocrity and never achieve all that we're meant to....ok, I'm off the soapbox.

butterfly killer

2005-03-16T19:53:00.000-08:00

That's what I am. It's odd how "small" tragedies in life stand out in stark relief against "larger" tragedies. I must've killed hundreds of beautiful Monarch butterflies on my journeys to AZ to see my beautiful best friend, J. They were unusually numerous b/c of all the rain and resulting flowers. They pelted my car like horrifically beautiful leaves at some points, and all I could do was plead with them to STOP FLUTTERING AROUND THE ROAD!!! Yet my regret for them quickly faded into the background whenever I remembered why I was heading over to AZ....to celebrate the life of a man whose funeral drew twice as many people as his church had room for....a man who won't get to walk his daughter down her wedding aisle in two months....a man who is now gazing on the face of Love Himself...and a man that I selfishly miss. Bear, I love you. I know you'll be at J's wedding.....just not physically.

It still hasn't sunk in....A 54 year old man who ran 5 miles a day is gone.

It was such a privilege to be with his family on the weekend of his death and the days to follow....I went to church with J, her fiance, and J's mom....the sorrowful energy of the place was staggering....we were surrounded by 150 people all weeping with us, missing Bear, feeling the huge vacuum left by a departed soul. We all know he's in a better place....but that doesn't make his absence any easier to adjust to...he's absolutely gone from this planet, this life. Such a strange finality, yet at the same time he's so very present.

Present in the runner we met while walking the dogs along Bear's old route...and old man who nearly cried and took several minutes to believe that we were serious and not playing a cruel joke when we told him of Bear's passing.....Present in an unopened love letter from his wife that she tucked into his sleeping bag....Present in the simultaneous torrent of birthday and sympathy cards (he died on his 54th birthday)....Present in that old sailboat sitting in the middle of an AZ yard....he was SO HAPPY when he found it: "You know I've ALWAYS wanted a sailboat!"....Present every day between 4 and 6 pm as the reality that he's not coming home from work pushes in and twists a bit deeper.....Present in EVERY SINGLE wedding plan....Present in a beautiful legacy of service and goodwill that leaves a gaping hole and challenging inspiration in his place of worship....We LOVE YOU, Bear....thank you for leading such a beautiful life.

Hmmm...tragic....really?

2005-02-24T01:24:00.000-08:00

Numenorean

To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla

I miss you all....::hugs::

stalkers, etc

2005-02-16T23:36:00.000-08:00

Well, life is back to normal in my land....got a budding stalker at work. At least it's not a co-worker this time. Could I just have ONE JOB without a stalker???? Please? I thought being married and self-aware, and confident, etc. would make a difference....but nope; I'm right on schedule with the stalker thing. It's all good. I've made sure my coworkers and manager know, and I'm trying to be very aware of my surroundings, etc. Plus, if I feel the need to, I'll notify corporate sercurity, and have them handle the person.

Much love....missing all my sweet friends...

Question for the day: to what extent does a capitalistic organization's responsibility to minister to society's poor and downtrodden extend? "Those who can must fight for those who can't..."

Break away....

2005-02-14T18:01:00.000-08:00

I LOVE that sappy Kelly Clarkson song...."Out of the darkness & into the sun...I won't forget the ones that I love"

Anyway, I really like said song recently since I had a ridiculously momentous break through regarding all my thoughts on guilt, etc. It's hard to describe....but...I recently realized (with some help) that even though I have immense guilt over many many past actions, it's not my job to keep punishing myself for that. Duh, I know...but here's the thing. For so long, I sort of knew this, but I couldn't figure out how to stop punishing myself.... I didn't really believe that it was ok to move on in that sense.

One of the most beautiful analogies I've seen of this behaviour is in the movie with Ben Affleck and Samuel L Jackson..._Changing Lanes_ Ben's character is involved in a hit & run accident, and even though he's a hardened, selfish individual, he feels guilt over his actions. However, that guilt is only manifested in a cut that's above his eye which we slowly learn that he's continually re-opening with a razor blade. Eventually, he collapses from blood poisoning b/c he's never allowed the wound to heal...couldn't allow it to heal.

Finally hearing a reassurance from a loved one (whom I've hurt in the past) that moving on is ok and desireable, and that if God's forgiven me, there's no need for me to keep hurting and that I should concentrate on learning from and growing past my mistakes....just hearing those words released something inside of me....a physical weight actually left my body. I slept through the night sans nightmares, and woke with a strange (nearly forgotten) sense of renewed energy and optimism.

My nightmares are slowly abating....thank goodness there haven't been too many repeats of my insomnia-inducing terror....that was HORRIBLE! I woke up in the middle of a nightmare so terrified that I was screaming (which I aparently do almost every night in my sleep), curled in a fetal position, and unable to move or speak. and it wasn't even that scary of a dream....Just some silly dream about a customer at my desk turning into a monster....lol!

oh great...just what I wanted to be

2005-02-14T17:58:00.000-08:00

"it's a small world": The happiest cruise
that ever sailed! Surreal and silly, or sweet
and touching, you are a well intentioned 1960s
homage to the world's diversity that
unfortunatly inspires feelings of sheer terror
in those who can't help but feel something more
sinister lays beneath your shiny surface. But
most cannot deny your charm, even if they
cannot explain it, and leave feeling better
than when they entered. Most overlook the fact
that because of your unique style and design,
courtesy of Disney Legend Mary Blair, you are a
true work of art and you deserve to be
appreciated. You are both worldly and
simplistic, both cosmopolitan and decidedly
middle American. You are a splendid
candy-coated contradiction with a sugary, sunny
song that one never forgets. If the world
truly listened to your never-ending optimism,
it could be a small world after all.

What Disneyland attraction are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Regret comes in waves...

2005-01-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

Really big waves. It’s odd—I made a CD mix called Introspection and have been listening to it virtually nonstop whenever I drive. It has all sorts of sad songs, some of them moving toward redemption, some of them trying to, along with a few downright uplifting pieces. Sad songs almost always make me feel better—happy, understood, relieved, pensive, calmed….But yesterday was different. My mind went crazy as I listened to this CD, particularly when one of my old favorites, My Immortal (by Evanescence), came on. Huge surges of regret washed over me as I pondered some of my less commendable actions in this life--all the times I’ve hurt or been hurt by another person. And there I was, crying in my car once again....when I thought I'd moved beyond that stage of healing.

So many questions. What does it mean to be forgiven? How do I respond to God’s forgiveness? How do I forgive myself? What does that even mean? Am I even capable of that? Why have I suffered so much in this area of my life, relationships….I mean, I’m not asking b/c I don’t think I deserve it…I know I do. But to what end have I suffered? What am I supposed to learn from this to help make the world a better place….to be a better me…one that’s closer to God and a more accurate, loving reflection of Him? Why did I even do what I did? What drove me so far away from what I EVER thought I’d be?

Holding a human brain...

2005-01-19T13:45:00.000-08:00

Yep. That was the highlight of my day today. Craziness! I accompanied my husband to his A & P lab, and they were dissecting the human skull. The process involved sawing through the entire circumference of the skull (which took a good twenty minutes!!), then taking off the dura matter, then clipping the optic, olfactory, and various other nerves and connective tissue, and then pulling the brain out - WOW - let's just stop right there for a second. We pulled out the BRAIN...and I got to HOLD it. It's SO HEAVY. It felt like holding a roasting chicken--you know, those big fat ones that are in the freezer section? Then, we actually got to SEE the pituitary gland. It's the size of a pea (just like all the textbooks say), but it's not round at all--it looks like a soft, rubbery, crumpled up pea. It's so tiny!! WOW!!! the human body is beautiful.

The only gross part about the visit (yes, I was actually fine with being in a room surrounded by eight human cadavers!) was that the skinned cadavers' flesh looked just like any other mamal or poultry flesh.....EWWWW! I'm not being gross or irreverent here--their flesh looked just like the stuff you see in the meat department of a grocery store. It really struck me that eating meat is eating a DEAD BODY. Strange, that's all. More to come.

Btw, love ya J-bird!!

reborn

2005-01-01T23:02:00.000-08:00

Reborn...